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I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”


“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

fucked up that neo-nazis feel comfortable showing their faces anywhere on earth

computers don’t need more megabytes. they should make do what what they have

Every image is a graph of where the pixels in the image are located

"pronouns" becoming something you can just say, apropos of nothing, and everyone understands you mean those transgender SJWs makes me feel crazy.

"I don't use pronouns and neither should you! I don't know anyone who DOES use pronouns," says a man who just said five pronouns

I think it is appropriately cyberpunk to pirate cyberpunk 2077

that remap is probably gonna fuck me up good in since I constantly have to look at button prompts to navigate that game's menus

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it showed up a month before the ETA!

decent color match, dpad isn't quite as good as sony's but it passes the dead cells test, and the official MS controller remapping app for accessibility purposes is Good Enough

"elsewhere" is a perfectly normal word so why does "elsewhen" feel wrong

learning a lot about tracked excavators from youtube

might borrow an excavator and, I don't know, dismantle a church or something

let's talk about the 1800's US Seed Distribution Program.

the idea was that we would gather up seeds from all over and plant them in plots of land to see if they were economically or agriculturally beneficial. it started out small like gathering seeds from areas around the states and planting them in other states.

eventually we made an entire office called the Office Seed and Foreign Plant Introduction. the purpose of this office was to gather up seeds from foreign countries and plant to see if we could, ya know, make money off them somehow

we had test gardens full of foreign plants that were kept until we decided we couldn't make money off them and then left them to rot

but not all of them just died off. some of them flourished in the new ecosystem that had no natural predators to combat it.

we're still seeing the repercussions of this *to this day*

for example, in Oregon, a plant called slender false brome is still just destroying the understory of our forests.

"technology brothers" just makes me think of that HGTV show that was like wheeler dealers but for houses

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still trying to get the blackjack and hookers